Genre: Action/Comedy/Adventure
Starring: Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy)
Shia LeBœuf (Transformers)
Tyrese Gibson (Fast Five)
Rosie Huntington-Whitely (The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show)
I’m trying to get the whole Neil Armstrong feel . . . So I’m playing all these moon-onyms in my head. All, except ‘mooning’, of course. Side note: the moon is NOT made of green cheese.
There IS A WAR! Forgive the screaming. All those machines and metals and clinging and clattering and things. I’ll be polite. They have names. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the Autobots doing one off against the Decabots. And it looks like the Autobots are winning but oh no that was a fine hit, ladies and gentlemen, the Autobots just took a bad hit, and that was something nasty, but no wait, is that the Autobots rising out of the sky. I believe it is, people, an Autobot is rising out of the sky and wait a minute it looks like he’s escaping, no it doesn’t look like he’s escaping, he has escaped. The Autobot has escaped to safety, ladies and gentlemen, I repeat, the Autobot has escaped to safety, ladies and gentlemen (irritating, right?) And it has chosen to fall on no other place than the moon. And that, gentlemen and ladies (variety, please, thinking outside the box here) is how I know the moon is NOT, I repeat NOT made of green cheese.
Clang! Machines from a place I can guarantee is not Mars (don’t ask how I know) get into some kinda metallic beef, and in the heat of battle, one of them falls close to our dear earth. Guess what? You call it home; they call it the new playground. And that, people (yeah, I can take a hint), was the beginning of all our troubles. Man versus Machine? Ya think!
Home, our very own Earth! Ah, Earth! Land of beauty. Land of opportunity (oh, I’m sorry, that would be America). Planet of hope and love and family and beauty (I think I already said that) and . . . and . . . and an Ivy league student who so desperately wants to be a hero he earns a presidential medal, and still can’t land a job three months after graduation! And they say some things are impossible! Humph!
And for those of you thinking ‘out of this world’, here’s a small piece of metallic advice - so don’t chew on it - it’s a metal-eat-metal world out there. With all the betrayal and the deception and the heart break and the back stabbing and the greed and the disappointment and the anger and the pain! Who wants to deal with that drama? Trust me on this one, earth is where you wanna be! For the sake of clarity, our dear unemployed graduate has been entrusted with the responsibility of providing hard evidence to this theory, while at the same time saving our dear Mother Earth (talk about full-time employment). In such a manner that needs no explanation as to the transformation from Wanted: Job to Résumé Extraordinaire.
I’m a little confused as to what the plan with this movie was. I bought a ticket to see Transformers, not a ticket to Comedy Central! Yep, this is half-comedy, half-action. Both halves I loved! Absolutely! I still have lots of chuckle-in-remembrance moments. This was totally awesome, so awesome in fact that it ventured to steal Best Comedy of the Year (So Far) from Kung Fu Panda 2 . . . and almost won. OK, maybe it won. I can’t remember. I spent way too much time laughing my head off. What with all the glass and steel and fire in the air and supercharged action and guns and metal and more glass and more steel and machines all over the place! Comical adrenaline, I tell you. Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Genre – Comical Adrenaline. Hmmm! The first of its kind this year, perhaps ever! It doesn’t have to be R-rated puke material to be hilarious (Hangover 2 take note!).
There is the good kind of sick, and this was IT! This is the sickest, bestest, baddest flick ever! Another genre possibility? Sick Flick! I shall make a mental note to add that to my list. Let’s see which other movie makes it into this Limited Edition Range.
While the final battle between man versus machine, machine versus machine, and man versus man, wasn’t as epic as I would have liked (I understand, Michael Bay must have had his work cut out for him), it was grunge, grunge enough for me. And then the good fun started to drag. While I enjoyed the thrill of metals clanging swords (pun, much?), I’d rather not run out of my extra-large bowl of popcorn. The drag was beginning to get to me. I couldn’t help but think, “Great movie, don’t overdo it”. And I could swear Bay had one of those things from the movie (you could call them Transformers, too) reach into my mind and read my very thoughts, for the volume suddenly went up a notch, and then two and then three, and then it was adrenaline and goose pimples all the way to the end. By the way, I still have leftover popcorn. Share?
Side note: hey, the next time you want to open your blessed mouth and cuss out your tortoise-shelled laptop for being such a drag, you might wanna think about it. Machines have feelings, too. Don’t say you weren’t warned! And hey, just before you squash that itsy bitsy powerless, defenceless cockroach; think again, it could be you in its place someday. About to be squashed by a gigantic transforming piece of metal. Side note again: Nah, it’s a darn good movie, but it’s just that. A movie!
The balance between action and comedy was extremely well played out. The soundtracks were soft and classically melancholy in contrast to the choleric grunge and grind of metal. Fantastic blend! If I were made of steel, I’d melt. Watching machines and metal and still being able to experience so many human emotions on so many levels! Amazing. This movie did not WOW me, it WOWed me! For the definitive lack of a better expression. There is no other way to say it. This movie was by all means perfect. So perfect in fact, I was beginning to suspect too much perfection. Michael bay and Steven Spielberg went over their heads with this one. AND IT SHOWED! This is exactly the kind of movie I was expecting the Fast Five to be. Good movie but not quite up to par. By the way, yeah, it even had better cars! I am going to steal an expression from what is now the Second best Movie So Far This Year, Kung Fu Panda 2, “This is awesomeness in 3D”! And Swiss on the beats ain’t even close!
I will also take this time out to specially hail Miss Whitely for running through all the shards of glass, sliding and rolling and tumbling in and out of metal, in what looked like 6-inch stilettos! Victoria's Secret, much?
Popcorn: Relationships do have consequences . . .
Scene . . . or Sin? For being everything a movie ought to be and being the movie to beat for a pretty darn long time to go, and I don’t mean just this year; Scene. For cranking steel, bleeding metal and providing stainless entertainment; Scene. For raising the bar so high, harry Potter’s broom couldn’t touch this one, Scene. For doing Box Office proud (I am expecting it to gross rates out-of-this-world), Scene; and of course, for scoring straight As on all fronts, by all means, ladies and gentlemen, Scene. On that note, this one earns a flaming hot 4.0 out of 5 from my steel furnace.
Just kidding! It’s a mega-whopping heart-stopping 4.8 out of 5. For going all out and kicking metallic butt, and you know how painful that can be. NO? Well then, try knocking your shin against something cold and hard and metallic, like, well, metallic butt!
Take my word for it . . . and go see for yourself . . .
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