Fast Five – or technically, Fast & Furious Five

Genre: Action/Crime

Starring:         Vin Diesel (Fast & Furious)

Dwayne Johnson (The Other Guys)

Tyrese Gibson (2 Fast 2 Furious)

                        Ludacris (Fast & Furious)

For a movie with a name like that and four seniors smiling down from heaven, you’d think this movie would be a little – well, who are we kidding – a lot -  more fast-paced than this . . .

Excuse me while I adopt the wake-me-up-when-this-is-over-resting-my-head-on-my-neighbour’s-shoulder-forigve-me-if-i-snore mode. Another prison break? Oh, come on. Y’all need to take lessons from Paul Scheuring. I stifle a yawn, only because I’m challenging myself to see how many I can stifle before this movie is over. I start counting popcorn. Hall’s too dark for imaginary sheep. 1 salted, yum! 1 sugared, wrong. 2 salted. Good, good. 1 too-sugared. Bad face. 1 not-so-sugared, 1 salted . . .  You get my drift, anywhere but here, please. Pun intended.

I’m starting to wonder if this is how it was with all the others at the beginning - and then the GT40 shows up. Just like that. And then I’m awake. Just like that. I’m alive, people. This movie is about to begin. Now, I’m starting to get the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel feel for this one. And then OMG, they did not just smash that beautiful piece of aerodynamics into that very ugly train . . . Spoil Sports!

And then The Rock (easier and edgier than Dwayne Johnson, nerdy name if you ask me) shows up and I’m starting to get excited until something dark and ugly and terrifying shows up from beneath his chin. Dreadful is what it was. And that, ladies and gentlemen, in my humble opinion, was the beginning of the failure – not of the movie, haven’t gotten to that part yet - of Dwayne Johnson’s attempt at successfully playing ‘Hard, Mean Cop’.

My prejudices are in no way tied to the fact that breathing has all of a sudden become a Herculean task - I’m sitting next to a flower-scented dude. Don’t get me wrong, I like flowers. I’m just not keen on what they do to my nostrils in their over-processed form – in this case, a dangerous mix of stale sweat and nauseating chemicals. I’d rather focus on The Beard . . . ah, yes. The Rock. I think I was interrupted at the part where I was starting to form the opinion that this dude was taking his role a lil’ too seriously. Especially for someone who was not a Hollywood new-comer. I came away feeling he’d been under pressure the whole time because this was the sort of role he was physically built to play: Hero, Killer Cop, Villain, et cetera, what with the huge biceps and the lady-killer grin, (Note to DJ (ah, yes), been there done that in The Mummy and Its Return. Sweaty palms we don’t want to see again). I couldn’t t shake off the feeling that this was something he’d been looking forward to for a REALLY long time and here it was at last, replete with mismatched beard.  Definitely more macho than being a tooth fairy, but Tough Cop? I’m looking the other way.

Fast Five – for those who are ardent fans - comes bearing gifts. Cars, great cars, fast cars; action, tonnes and tonnes of action. What say ye? Daddy’s home! Oh, and girls, painfully skinny girls (now we know where Anorexia’s been hiding).

This movie sets in when the home-coming party begins. You can guess who sent out the IVs (unless this is your first date with the F&F) for this less-than-soulful family reunion – the Vin himself. May I borrow your hanky, please? You won’t need it if you have no idea why everyone but you suddenly has something in their eye.

The mouthy Tyrese who put the T in TDH (excusez-moi while I gawk for a minute, and then for the rest of the movie – girls are queuing up fast) and of course has to make good work out of his mouthy charm; the hard-cut Dominic played by Vin Diesel (because every movie needs one, especially one with The Voice. How else can you make ‘em listen?); the inspiration for skinny jeans (Brewster et al. - some mothers do have ‘em, some brothers do love ‘em. Besides they walk fast and drive even faster); the cute one (whose job it is to look pretty and drive not-so-pretty and kiss the skinny girl); the kinda-cute-geek (for crashing computers and hacking into the sacred room whose keyhole we would love to peek through - the F.B.I.); the kid from the hood (every plan needs an executor, no? Requirement: must be humorous and mechanically-inclined); and of course, the Judas (who is guilty until proven innocent and therefore has to crash the party).

 I did say it was a glorious home-coming, didn’t i? This one throws in very many interesting surprises . . .  and then the party gets started. It’s a wild rush of adrenaline, boys. Do not fasten your seat belts; this one is not a gentle drive-through. You are allowed to scream all the way to the end!

That brings me to the plot behind the Five. Does it thicken? Err, no. The messy work is just ‘fastly and furiously’ hidden beneath all the mad, mad action. It’s very speedy and you are allowed to dim your brain lights, you already know what’s gonna happen. That you may not like. But not how it happens.  Now that, that is why they called it Fast Five. Here’s what happened. I wasn’t there but I know. I reckoned. Story line: . . .  and  . . . and . . . former cop versus ex-con saga, capisce? Now that’s outta the way. Then, ‘Who wants to drive fast? Who wants to drive raving, raging, furiously fast?’

What’s the messy work? Good cop, Street cop, Hood cop, or Unobtrusively Bearded Cop would do anything to get the Bad Guys, whom it turns out, are not so-bad after all, considering they didn’t kill Unobtrusively Bearded Cop (UBC)’s good men (every single one of ‘em). Bad Guy (without the‘s’) did. Who’s Bad Guy? The one to whom it was told ‘God himself couldn’t get at your money if he wanted to’. Well, the last time someone made that comment, the world’s largest ship sank and knowing that, smart Bad Guy retorts, ‘God isn’t the one I’m worried about’. This coming from Voldemort’s Street Twin?? A hard look at the résumé of the Fast Five (Bad Guy with the ‘s’, and you have every reason to feel his pain (feel free to scroll up and re-read if need be). So, UBC  and Bad Guy (with the ‘s’) are now BFFs, not thanks to a BFF Reality Show, but by virtue of a common desire for revenge and well, nothing less than a few million dollars apiece while they’re at it. And trust me, this one was no Easy Mary.

This movie is highly recommended for all the brothers out there who have tried. And tried. And tried. And tried. And tried (and nope, I am not exaggerating – you gotta want it - or her – that badly). And tried. Everything in their power to GET THAT GIRL (say it slowly through gritted teeth for dramatic effect).  This one is a no-holds barred formula that’s guaranteed to work on any girl. Any girl, born of a woman. And I mean, any girl. Ready for it? Pen and paper in hand, please.

Here goes: You gotta love her, caress her, please her, tease her . . . tried ALL that? Fine, we admit she still won’t budge. But of course, what were you expecting? If it was that easy, you’d have had her a long time ago, no? And you wouldn’t be here. So, gentlemen, what have you been doing wrong? Hold still, I’m about to tell you. Err . . . you may now put down your pen and paper . . . and Haul. Her. By. Her. Ass. Drag her by her hair if you have to, pull her through every street in the city and proclaim to the whole world that this girl is yours, and there is nothing anybody can do about it. She is after all worth all the money in the world . . .

p.s. Did I say born of a woman? Well, this one wasn’t. My bad! Oh, and whatever you do, Do Not Try This At Home! Getting the girl, I mean.

And that’s about it. I’m sure you can figure out the rest – or not. Although, can’t shake off the nagging suspicion I’ve seen the execution replicated in some other really good movie. Still, you need to see this one. There are other blotches of moral values, besides how to get girls and all. Like, family values and sticking together and all of that. Though, how on earth we are expected to learn family values (which they claim is the moral of the day) amidst all the muscle and teeth-shattering speed and rough riding and hot cars and bullets and blood and violence, I have NO idea.


Popcorn:  For all things Fun and Fast and Familiar . . .

So. . . Scene or Sin?  Scene. With a rush of adrenaline that earns this one 4.25 out of 5. I refused to be taken in by Tyrese’s smile, which by the way, I would be better able to day-dream about if I could only get past That Beard (believe me, it is that blindsiding). I cannot take it anymore, in spite of the fact that it turned out to be a really good movie . . . that ended so nicely it scored an extra half-point from me, except, they are not seriously teasing and taunting us with a hint of Fast and Furious SIX (6) (VI), are they???  Harry Potter, say hello to your sequel nemesis!

You may wish to Find out for yourself . . .