Transformers: Dark of the Moon (3D – there is NO other way to see this!)

Genre: Action/Comedy/Adventure

Starring:                     Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy)

Shia LeBœuf (Transformers)

Tyrese Gibson (Fast Five)

Rosie Huntington-Whitely (The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show)

I’m trying to get the whole Neil Armstrong feel . . . So I’m playing all these moon-onyms in my head. All, except ‘mooning’, of course. Side note: the moon is NOT made of green cheese.

There IS A WAR! Forgive the screaming. All those machines and metals and clinging and clattering and things. I’ll be polite. They have names. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the Autobots doing one off against the Decabots. And it looks like the Autobots are winning but oh no that was a fine hit, ladies and gentlemen, the Autobots just took a bad hit, and that was something nasty, but no wait, is that the Autobots rising out of the sky. I believe it is, people, an Autobot is rising out of the sky and wait a minute it looks like he’s escaping, no it doesn’t look like he’s escaping, he has escaped. The Autobot has escaped to safety, ladies and gentlemen, I repeat, the Autobot has escaped to safety, ladies and gentlemen (irritating, right?) And it has chosen to fall on no other place than the moon. And that, gentlemen and ladies (variety, please, thinking outside the box here) is how I know the moon is NOT, I repeat NOT made of green cheese.

Clang! Machines from a place I can guarantee is not Mars (don’t ask how I know) get into some kinda metallic beef, and in the heat of battle, one of them falls close to our dear earth. Guess what? You call it home; they call it the new playground. And that, people (yeah, I can take a hint), was the beginning of all our troubles. Man versus Machine? Ya think!

Home, our very own Earth! Ah, Earth! Land of beauty. Land of opportunity (oh, I’m sorry, that would be America). Planet of hope and love and family and beauty (I think I already said that) and  . . . and  . . . and an Ivy league student who so desperately wants to be a hero he earns a presidential medal, and still can’t land a job three months after graduation! And they say some things are impossible! Humph!

And for those of you thinking ‘out of this world’, here’s a small piece of metallic advice - so don’t chew on it - it’s a metal-eat-metal world out there. With all the betrayal and the deception and the heart break and the back stabbing and the greed and the disappointment and the anger and the pain! Who wants to deal with that drama? Trust me on this one, earth is where you wanna be! For the sake of clarity, our dear unemployed graduate has been entrusted with the responsibility of providing hard evidence to this theory, while at the same time saving our dear Mother Earth (talk about full-time employment). In such a manner that needs no explanation as to the transformation from Wanted: Job to Résumé Extraordinaire.

I’m a little confused as to what the plan with this movie was. I bought a ticket to see Transformers, not a ticket to Comedy Central! Yep, this is half-comedy, half-action. Both halves I loved! Absolutely! I still have lots of chuckle-in-remembrance moments. This was totally awesome, so awesome in fact that it ventured to steal Best Comedy of the Year (So Far) from Kung Fu Panda 2 . . . and almost won. OK, maybe it won. I can’t remember. I spent way too much time laughing my head off.  What with all the glass and steel and fire in the air and supercharged action and guns and metal and more glass and more steel and machines all over the place! Comical adrenaline, I tell you.  Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Genre – Comical Adrenaline. Hmmm! The first of its kind this year, perhaps ever! It doesn’t have to be R-rated puke material to be hilarious (Hangover 2 take note!).

There is the good kind of sick, and this was IT! This is the sickest, bestest, baddest flick ever! Another genre possibility? Sick Flick! I shall make a mental note to add that to my list. Let’s see which other movie makes it into this Limited Edition Range.

While the final battle between man versus machine, machine versus machine, and man versus man, wasn’t as epic as I would have liked (I understand, Michael Bay must have had his work cut out for him), it was grunge, grunge enough for me. And then the good fun started to drag. While I enjoyed the thrill of metals clanging swords (pun, much?), I’d rather not run out of my extra-large bowl of popcorn. The drag was beginning to get to me. I couldn’t help but think, “Great movie, don’t overdo it”. And I could swear Bay had one of those things from the movie (you could call them Transformers, too) reach into my mind and read my very thoughts, for the volume suddenly went up a notch, and then two and then three, and then it was adrenaline and goose pimples all the way to the end. By the way, I still have leftover popcorn. Share?

Side note: hey, the next time you want to open your blessed mouth and cuss out your tortoise-shelled laptop for being such a drag, you might wanna think about it. Machines have feelings, too. Don’t say you weren’t warned! And hey, just before you squash that itsy bitsy powerless, defenceless cockroach; think again, it could be you in its place someday. About to be squashed by a gigantic transforming piece of metal.  Side note again: Nah, it’s a darn good movie, but it’s just that. A movie!

The balance between action and comedy was extremely well played out. The soundtracks were soft and classically melancholy in contrast to the choleric grunge and grind of metal. Fantastic blend! If I were made of steel, I’d melt. Watching machines and metal and still being able to experience so many human emotions on so many levels! Amazing. This movie did not WOW me, it WOWed me! For the definitive lack of a better expression. There is no other way to say it. This movie was by all means perfect. So perfect in fact, I was beginning to suspect too much perfection. Michael bay and Steven Spielberg went over their heads with this one. AND IT SHOWED! This is exactly the kind of movie I was expecting the Fast Five to be. Good movie but not quite up to par. By the way, yeah, it even had better cars! I am going to steal an expression from what is now the Second best Movie So Far This Year, Kung Fu Panda 2, “This is awesomeness in 3D”! And Swiss on the beats ain’t even close!

I will also take this time out to specially hail Miss Whitely for running through all the shards of glass, sliding and rolling and tumbling in and out of metal, in what looked like 6-inch stilettos! Victoria's Secret, much?

Popcorn:  Relationships do have consequences  . . .

Scene . . . or Sin?   For being everything a movie ought to be and being the movie to beat for a pretty darn long time to go, and I don’t mean just this year; Scene. For cranking steel, bleeding metal and providing stainless entertainment; Scene. For raising the bar so high, harry Potter’s broom couldn’t touch this one, Scene. For doing Box Office proud (I am expecting it to gross rates out-of-this-world), Scene; and of course, for scoring straight As on all fronts, by all means, ladies and gentlemen, Scene. On that note, this one earns a flaming hot 4.0 out of 5 from my steel furnace.

Just kidding! It’s a mega-whopping heart-stopping 4.8 out of 5. For going all out and kicking metallic butt, and you know how painful that can be. NO? Well then, try knocking your shin against something cold and hard and metallic, like, well, metallic butt!

Take my word for it . . . and go see for yourself . . .

Fast Five – or technically, Fast & Furious Five

Genre: Action/Crime

Starring:         Vin Diesel (Fast & Furious)

Dwayne Johnson (The Other Guys)

Tyrese Gibson (2 Fast 2 Furious)

                        Ludacris (Fast & Furious)

For a movie with a name like that and four seniors smiling down from heaven, you’d think this movie would be a little – well, who are we kidding – a lot -  more fast-paced than this . . .

Excuse me while I adopt the wake-me-up-when-this-is-over-resting-my-head-on-my-neighbour’s-shoulder-forigve-me-if-i-snore mode. Another prison break? Oh, come on. Y’all need to take lessons from Paul Scheuring. I stifle a yawn, only because I’m challenging myself to see how many I can stifle before this movie is over. I start counting popcorn. Hall’s too dark for imaginary sheep. 1 salted, yum! 1 sugared, wrong. 2 salted. Good, good. 1 too-sugared. Bad face. 1 not-so-sugared, 1 salted . . .  You get my drift, anywhere but here, please. Pun intended.

I’m starting to wonder if this is how it was with all the others at the beginning - and then the GT40 shows up. Just like that. And then I’m awake. Just like that. I’m alive, people. This movie is about to begin. Now, I’m starting to get the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel feel for this one. And then OMG, they did not just smash that beautiful piece of aerodynamics into that very ugly train . . . Spoil Sports!

And then The Rock (easier and edgier than Dwayne Johnson, nerdy name if you ask me) shows up and I’m starting to get excited until something dark and ugly and terrifying shows up from beneath his chin. Dreadful is what it was. And that, ladies and gentlemen, in my humble opinion, was the beginning of the failure – not of the movie, haven’t gotten to that part yet - of Dwayne Johnson’s attempt at successfully playing ‘Hard, Mean Cop’.

My prejudices are in no way tied to the fact that breathing has all of a sudden become a Herculean task - I’m sitting next to a flower-scented dude. Don’t get me wrong, I like flowers. I’m just not keen on what they do to my nostrils in their over-processed form – in this case, a dangerous mix of stale sweat and nauseating chemicals. I’d rather focus on The Beard . . . ah, yes. The Rock. I think I was interrupted at the part where I was starting to form the opinion that this dude was taking his role a lil’ too seriously. Especially for someone who was not a Hollywood new-comer. I came away feeling he’d been under pressure the whole time because this was the sort of role he was physically built to play: Hero, Killer Cop, Villain, et cetera, what with the huge biceps and the lady-killer grin, (Note to DJ (ah, yes), been there done that in The Mummy and Its Return. Sweaty palms we don’t want to see again). I couldn’t t shake off the feeling that this was something he’d been looking forward to for a REALLY long time and here it was at last, replete with mismatched beard.  Definitely more macho than being a tooth fairy, but Tough Cop? I’m looking the other way.

Fast Five – for those who are ardent fans - comes bearing gifts. Cars, great cars, fast cars; action, tonnes and tonnes of action. What say ye? Daddy’s home! Oh, and girls, painfully skinny girls (now we know where Anorexia’s been hiding).

This movie sets in when the home-coming party begins. You can guess who sent out the IVs (unless this is your first date with the F&F) for this less-than-soulful family reunion – the Vin himself. May I borrow your hanky, please? You won’t need it if you have no idea why everyone but you suddenly has something in their eye.

The mouthy Tyrese who put the T in TDH (excusez-moi while I gawk for a minute, and then for the rest of the movie – girls are queuing up fast) and of course has to make good work out of his mouthy charm; the hard-cut Dominic played by Vin Diesel (because every movie needs one, especially one with The Voice. How else can you make ‘em listen?); the inspiration for skinny jeans (Brewster et al. - some mothers do have ‘em, some brothers do love ‘em. Besides they walk fast and drive even faster); the cute one (whose job it is to look pretty and drive not-so-pretty and kiss the skinny girl); the kinda-cute-geek (for crashing computers and hacking into the sacred room whose keyhole we would love to peek through - the F.B.I.); the kid from the hood (every plan needs an executor, no? Requirement: must be humorous and mechanically-inclined); and of course, the Judas (who is guilty until proven innocent and therefore has to crash the party).

 I did say it was a glorious home-coming, didn’t i? This one throws in very many interesting surprises . . .  and then the party gets started. It’s a wild rush of adrenaline, boys. Do not fasten your seat belts; this one is not a gentle drive-through. You are allowed to scream all the way to the end!

That brings me to the plot behind the Five. Does it thicken? Err, no. The messy work is just ‘fastly and furiously’ hidden beneath all the mad, mad action. It’s very speedy and you are allowed to dim your brain lights, you already know what’s gonna happen. That you may not like. But not how it happens.  Now that, that is why they called it Fast Five. Here’s what happened. I wasn’t there but I know. I reckoned. Story line: . . .  and  . . . and . . . former cop versus ex-con saga, capisce? Now that’s outta the way. Then, ‘Who wants to drive fast? Who wants to drive raving, raging, furiously fast?’

What’s the messy work? Good cop, Street cop, Hood cop, or Unobtrusively Bearded Cop would do anything to get the Bad Guys, whom it turns out, are not so-bad after all, considering they didn’t kill Unobtrusively Bearded Cop (UBC)’s good men (every single one of ‘em). Bad Guy (without the‘s’) did. Who’s Bad Guy? The one to whom it was told ‘God himself couldn’t get at your money if he wanted to’. Well, the last time someone made that comment, the world’s largest ship sank and knowing that, smart Bad Guy retorts, ‘God isn’t the one I’m worried about’. This coming from Voldemort’s Street Twin?? A hard look at the résumé of the Fast Five (Bad Guy with the ‘s’, and you have every reason to feel his pain (feel free to scroll up and re-read if need be). So, UBC  and Bad Guy (with the ‘s’) are now BFFs, not thanks to a BFF Reality Show, but by virtue of a common desire for revenge and well, nothing less than a few million dollars apiece while they’re at it. And trust me, this one was no Easy Mary.

This movie is highly recommended for all the brothers out there who have tried. And tried. And tried. And tried. And tried (and nope, I am not exaggerating – you gotta want it - or her – that badly). And tried. Everything in their power to GET THAT GIRL (say it slowly through gritted teeth for dramatic effect).  This one is a no-holds barred formula that’s guaranteed to work on any girl. Any girl, born of a woman. And I mean, any girl. Ready for it? Pen and paper in hand, please.

Here goes: You gotta love her, caress her, please her, tease her . . . tried ALL that? Fine, we admit she still won’t budge. But of course, what were you expecting? If it was that easy, you’d have had her a long time ago, no? And you wouldn’t be here. So, gentlemen, what have you been doing wrong? Hold still, I’m about to tell you. Err . . . you may now put down your pen and paper . . . and Haul. Her. By. Her. Ass. Drag her by her hair if you have to, pull her through every street in the city and proclaim to the whole world that this girl is yours, and there is nothing anybody can do about it. She is after all worth all the money in the world . . .

p.s. Did I say born of a woman? Well, this one wasn’t. My bad! Oh, and whatever you do, Do Not Try This At Home! Getting the girl, I mean.

And that’s about it. I’m sure you can figure out the rest – or not. Although, can’t shake off the nagging suspicion I’ve seen the execution replicated in some other really good movie. Still, you need to see this one. There are other blotches of moral values, besides how to get girls and all. Like, family values and sticking together and all of that. Though, how on earth we are expected to learn family values (which they claim is the moral of the day) amidst all the muscle and teeth-shattering speed and rough riding and hot cars and bullets and blood and violence, I have NO idea.


Popcorn:  For all things Fun and Fast and Familiar . . .

So. . . Scene or Sin?  Scene. With a rush of adrenaline that earns this one 4.25 out of 5. I refused to be taken in by Tyrese’s smile, which by the way, I would be better able to day-dream about if I could only get past That Beard (believe me, it is that blindsiding). I cannot take it anymore, in spite of the fact that it turned out to be a really good movie . . . that ended so nicely it scored an extra half-point from me, except, they are not seriously teasing and taunting us with a hint of Fast and Furious SIX (6) (VI), are they???  Harry Potter, say hello to your sequel nemesis!

You may wish to Find out for yourself . . . 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Genre:  Action/Adventure/Fantasy

Starring:         Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean prequels)

                        Penelope Cruz (Vicky Christina Barcelona)

                        Ian McShane (Kung Fu Panda)

Geoffrey Rush (Pirates of the Caribbean prequels)

Sipping on a random mixture of egg yolk, milk, grated cheese and strawberry milk, I can’t help but think there’s only one way not to get things ‘mixed up’ in penning this review, so I temporarily cast aside my 7-year old crush on Johnny Depp, and of course unclip my Fan Numero Uno Badge, which I have been wearing proudly since I could spell Dark and Mysterious.

There are some things unofficially less stomach-churning than two hours in front of a bad movie. . . Thankfully, Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, besides being a little too long to swallow, is anything but. Dive into an ocean of fun and let the Classic’s classic be your guide . . .

Sailor’s destination: Spain. Is it just me or do the people up there seem to think exotic locations make the best movies these days? Well, in this case, it turns out they were right – almost.

Almost? Sadly, almost. Setting off on an adrenaline spiral, POTC 4 (i prefer quicker digestion) kicks nicely in the gut in form-fitting fashion suited only to Jack Sparrow. There is something odd about that last sentence, can you tell?

I’m thinking that ‘they’ were thinking humour, humour, humour and more humour. For a brief moment, I had a sneaky feeling this movie would end up with Jack Sparrow taking off his face mask to reveal Adam Sandler. And I’d go home having new respect for the word ‘Punk’d’. It was that hysterical. I still chuckle in recollection. Ironically, though, that’s really all the movie served up – one classic comical moment after another.

Adventure, ahoy! There’s Jack Sparrow – and then there’s Captain Jack Sparrow (ah, so that’s what was odd about that statement!). One is a man, and the other is – well, a villain. One has valour, the other drinker’s luck. One is in love, the other – well, what say ye? One is – alas, the other. The merger of characters, perhaps the only thing I found really impressive in this movie, was executed to perfection. We see that in spite of all the braggadocio of our ‘adorable’ pirate, all it takes is the wind of vulnerability (referred to as love in more poetic circles) to blow his hat off. Perhaps not. Latina bombshell, Penelope Cruz (and I’ll agree with you if you’re inclined to disagree) puts on an  audaciously intriguingly deliciously impressive performance (that was fun) as  . . . you’d never guess (putting my money where my mouth is), and of course I’d never tell . . .

Our one and only heroine certainly deserves to be nominated for – well, something – as she leads our heroic villain or villainous hero (depending on what you were brought up to believe about Robin Hood) on a romantic voyage on a quest to find the Fountain of Youth, to save her atrocious father (again, you’d never guess, so my money rests safely in my big mouth) of whom it has been foretold, death by vengeance, awaits. Delighted to have her on board? Much! However bodacious our lovely might be, tis totally wanting of the nature of a true gentleman, be he a pirate or less, to be letting such as a damsel in distress sail alone on so formidable a venture, and that be saying the littlest! All hands must be on deck, and so we encore with joyful foreboding, our beloved crew, Black Pearl’s finest, Blackbeard, Barbossa et al. . . . You may now officially un-know everything you thought you knew about Pirates. Be not dismayed, if’n it does not come to you, mate, for it shall come to you!

Vampires and mermaids and clergymen, oh my! Make room for your new shipmates. I did say this ship was full of surprises, didn’t i? Oh, well, must have slipped my mind. Don’t let the thrills – and it’s rife with them – suck you in. “Cling to your souls, mates, for the mermaids be known to take what’s left –all of it!” I say no more, for fear I’ll be accused of piracy.

All things in place, this was one fail-safe plan. Plan being, if all else failed at least there was the guarantee that sides-splitting-doubled-over would be the new walk for a time to come. The plot sadly was lagging a tad behind in delivery. Desperately trying to catch up with comedy and action, which were almost toe-to-toe in this one, the plot was swaying to every tide and seemed to drown at some point, only to come up for air at the dying minute. Unfortunately, seeing as there was no lifeboat in sight, it sank right back down. And then resurfaced. And then sank  . . . and then resurfaced. Perhaps you catch my drift – no pun intended – perhaps not.  One might be too preoccupied with the enjoyment of it all to notice the flaws, I dare say.

I put this one as an adventurous adventure. In other words, while there was a lot of everything, as this was one very ambitious movie (for they were really eager to please, it seems) – it stopped short of being a shipwreck. I’ll sum it all up as one simple movie with the complexities of adrenaline-filled adventure, suspense and the sway of humour to keep you steadfast and sure, more so when the compass was pointing in the direction of lost tide. This movie comes to rest gracefully ashore, anchored on the satisfaction of our pleasure – they knew they’d win us over, either ways. And in spite of it all, they were right. Pleased, I was. This was such fun. But. F is for Four as F is for Final. If they tried it again, they’d get caught. Piracy is punishable by law . . .

Popcorn:  And the secret to remaining eternally young is  . . .

So . . .Scene or Sin? Scene, ahoy! I’ll let my anchor hold at 4.3 out of 5. I couldn’t steer past that if I tried. And believe me, I did. Of course, you have every right to choose a different mooring place. After all, I wasn’t sipping on any such thing as a strawberry-milk-egg-yolk-grated-cheese mixture.

Go see for yourself . . .

Thor (3D – not that it matters)

Genre: Action/Adventure

Starring:                     Chris Hemsworth (. . .  Thor)

Natalie Portman (Star Wars 1 – Phantom of the Menace)

Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal)

Ladies and gentlemen . . . 
Please put on your 3D glasses . . .
It’s time to ‘Thor’!

'You know not what your actions will unleash'.

Based on the above quote, I do have a confession:  I was bone-wearily sceptical about this one . . . Well, you would be if you'd reserved/bypassed all your 3D moments just to have the experience of a lifetime that turned out to be a lifetime resolution to never self-punish with dark glasses in a dark room full of strangers. No need to swot, there's a word for it I believe - Tron Legacy. Or two. Bad 3D, Bad! Beg to differ, anyone?! 

So the basic story is - and if you're familiar with Bible stories - you might wanna skip the next 2 lines. If not, here’s a one-sentence summary:

Sonofking-weshallcallhimThor-defiesfatherandasksforshareofwealthandwandersofftopartiesinexoticdestinationsandfashionshowsandyatchclubsandBrazilianwomen,losesallhehasandcomeshomesobertodaddytokiss-assdforforgiveness,whichhnaturallydaddygrantshimbeingdaddycompassionateandallandrestoreshisplaceasfamilyheirandtheyalllivehappilyeverafter.

Er . . . Not exactly. *pausingtocatchbreath* Forgive me, but I did say one sentence.

Amongst other things, this is one movie that takes prodigality to a whole new level! It's sexier, edgier, much more arrogant, and - label me Sadist after this, but - this time, there is no forgiveness. 

And just so you know, Father, the Other Son has feelings, too . . .

I say no more . . . Whatever it does, this one doesn't bore. Talk about a joy ride on a  . . . well, wherever you get your joy rides . . .  It’s romance and humour and action and drama and the-hot-body-of-Chris-Hemsworth-a.k.a–Thor rolled into one. You want for nothing, but you’re left asking for more. More, Thor, More!

Theme:  Don’t wield the sword if you don’t know how to sheath. In other words, we learn what happens when we do the right thing for the wrong reason.

Popcorn:  You might wanna see this one on a Thor's Day ... if you catch my drift.

So . . . Scene or Sin?  For all the right flavours in all the right places, Scene! Again and again and again. Anything less would be a Sin. This one gets a big, fat 4.5 out of my 5.

p.s. why would you take me seriously? Go see for yourself . . .

Source Code

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller

Starring:                     Jake Gyllenhaal (Prince of Persia) (swoon time for some)

Michelle Monaghan (Due Date)

Vera Farmiger (Up In the Air)

No matter how much we like ‘em, I'll say this: ANOTHER self-discovery-by-sim/avatar  movie . . . ?

Not bad, not bad, all things considered – all things as exemplified by uh, wearing 12-foot-long bodysuits replete with long ponytails and pointy ears (we are spared), and building castles in the air (for the Fantasist) or building skyscrapers upon skyscrapers in dreams (for the Realist).  Nope, not this time. And please don’t make me choose.

Certainly no getting-lost-in-the-dark-and-struggling-to-grope-our-way-out in this one, as is the trend with supposedly good movies these days – I don’t know where they get that idea from (I didn’t mention that this is One Good Movie, did I?). Certainly no subconscious-craning-of-the-neck-to-catch-every-word-hopefully-to-‘ah-i-get-it’-but-failing, and then finally going with plan B: ‘what the heck, I'll see it again’.

Let's just say there are more important issues to consider. Like?
Like . . . If you had 8 minutes -and only 8 – to correct a mistake you’d made in the past, what would that be? Food For Thought!

Pondering what I'm pondering? Well, you can stop stroking that beard and summing up all your iniquities . . . There's a 2nd chance . . . and a 3rd and a 4th and a 5th and a . . . you catch my drift. Although they do say, infamously, that doing the same thing once is alright, but doing the same thing over and over and over again . . . and well, you’re not far from The House of Blue Coveralls – I believe they call it an ‘Insaniquarium’ these days.

Lucky for all concerned, Colter Stevens doesn't listen, especially to good advice, so I'll rephrase: do the same thing over and over again...and you catch a bomber/terrorist.
But, don't be so quick to dismiss this one. There is that element of ‘twist up a twist’ which I did find particularly attractive . . .

You've probably figured the end from the beginning like I did– well, here's where your prowess may fail you. Just when you start thinking you know where this is going and stifle a false yawn (because you are enjoying the movie, nonetheless), you’re marvellously jerked back into a wait-hold-on-this-isn’t-going-according-to-expectation position. Same way I wasn’t expecting the ugly guttural sound emanating from the 250lbs-er sitting right next to me . . . Who on earth snores in the middle of a really good movie? Who? Talk about 'jerks', eh?

As I was saying, this one won't have you itching on the edge of your seat whole time. It will just ensure your attention span does not dissipate for longer than 8 minutes at a stretch – ok, maybe 3 1/2. Not unless you’re a 250lbs-er - (fine, I’ll let it slide).

So, there you have it. If it was all so easy to go back in time and correct all mistakes made, I certainly wouldn't be sitting where I was sitting. Where, I shouldn't have been sitting to begin with, except some smart-ass hunks took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong movie hall, and consequently, in my seat. If I hadn't asked for my seat back, they might have lost 15 minutes of their movie time (don’t call me Heroine just yet). Then again, if I hadn't asked for my seat back.... (Somebody get me a fat boy stick).

My point is, you might get the chance to undo a damage, but not without leaving something in its wake. How much are you willing to stake? Selah!

Theme:   Once again we learn the value of life, love, and other disasters.

Popcorn:   What would you do if you had less than 8 minutes to live?
I'd quit blogging and go get me some ice cream . . .

So . . . Scene or Sin? Scene! Oh yes, please. 3.99 Scenes out of 5. How else would you take me seriously?

Then again, why would you take me seriously? Go see for yourself . . . 

Animal United

Genre: Animation

Starring the Voices of:         Jim Broadbent (Harry Potter & the Half-blood Prince)

James Corden (Gavin & Stacey)

Billy Beach ( … Animal United)

This one I walked right into. With all the excitement of a 3-year old that got Santa for Christmas, I took bad instincts to a movie hall in expectation of one grand animation. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I highly disappointed? No. Let’s just say my instincts have lost their animal. Yeah, let’s just say that.

For which I have managed to come up with a take-home quote:

If a movie ‘don’t’  catch your attention in the first 5 minutes, ditch it . . .

If an animation ‘don’t’ in the first 2.5 minutes, RUN!

Hey, slow up, tiger . . .
I'm not asking you to take my own advice . . .

Well, you could  . . . if the last time you went to the gym (you really don’t need to recall) you saw something that looked like a lion but you weren’t quite sure, doing 12km/hour on the treadmill, embarrassing your daily unmentionable average? Or, if you walked into your salon for the you know, regular Saturday hair-and-gossip session, and found an elephant, fresh out of a blonde job by the way, sitting in your favourite chair, getting a haircut from - a Meercat . . . My guess is you’re not going anywhere. Plus don’t you want to hear about the Mafia in the Animal Kingdom?

Well, then, here's how it works . . . Or how about a quick trivia, to start with:

What do you get when you cross a vegan Lion, a giraffe who put the G in Diva, a Meercat (I presume you’ve met), an educated Monkey, a cocky Cockerel, and a white Polar Bear (nothing fancy, except location: Middle of a Forest)?
Answer: They call it Animal United for a reason.

And united they were. Ok, people, seriously, isn’t it about time we stopped and thought about the things we were doing to the things we thought didn’t matter just for the things we thought mattered? Don’t read that again. Just think: Sex Education! (I’m quite the Charmer, aren’t I?)

Rephrase: think sex education and how difficult it was – or is (you’d be surprised) for your parents to give ‘the talk’. Well, put that in retrospect and sub sex education for global warming and its hazardous effects on the planet. Too much talk? Let's make this easy . . . 

In their words, we are endangering our species, endangering our planet and well, hello, endangering our lives, as well. It’s a nasty chain reaction, we have started to do the damage, we have started trying to repair the damage, but there are those of us out there who either don’t know the extent of the damage we have done and are doing, or don’t care, or like Humpty Dumpty prefer the view from the fence (you do recall the rest being history, right?)

At the risk of sounding like an activist, here’s a snider:

If you'd rather hang a tusk than a Raphael on your wall, this one's for you. If in your opinion, fur looks better on two shoulders than on four legs, well . . . this one’s for you, too, my pretty. If you think some parts of Mother Earth look better in 3D as homes to 5-star exotic holiday locations than natural wildlife habitat, or you really don’t know why all those wild animals exist are let loose to begin with, the general idea is that (repeat after me) this one is equally for you! And if you’re an animal activist, again, this one you’d like! In the end, it's an animal rampage. Give ‘em back their food and their water, else . . .  fear not, they don't exactly take over the world. Mercifully. This movie is not that corny!

Expect no real thrills, though. A couple of belly laughs here and there. But that’s about it. Then again, it’s a good excuse for an education you most likely didn’t get in school with all your finesse, and you don’t have to sit in a boring Science class to get it. Perks? Almost. In advance, though, I do beg your pardon on the corny sound tracks. I will certainly let Disney off after this one. Give me their over-bearing music over the under-bearing do-we-really-have-to-make-music-for-this-movie tracks on offer!

So. . . Scene or Sin? It falls somewhere down the line and all things considered, not the least of which is the thousand and ten animations that outdid themselves to outdo themselves. I think Animators want to take a sort of back seat this year. Then again, we are looking forward to a couple of hard hits, aren’t we?  Collateral damage: make it a 2.5 out of 5.

Popcorn: Just before you toss that can of beer over your shoulder, think again . . .

Or better yet, why would you take me seriously? Go see for yourself . . .