Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Starring: Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean prequels)
Penelope Cruz (Vicky Christina Barcelona)
Ian McShane (Kung Fu Panda)
Geoffrey Rush (Pirates of the Caribbean prequels)
Sipping on a random mixture of egg yolk, milk, grated cheese and strawberry milk, I can’t help but think there’s only one way not to get things ‘mixed up’ in penning this review, so I temporarily cast aside my 7-year old crush on Johnny Depp, and of course unclip my Fan Numero Uno Badge, which I have been wearing proudly since I could spell Dark and Mysterious.
There are some things unofficially less stomach-churning than two hours in front of a bad movie. . . Thankfully, Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, besides being a little too long to swallow, is anything but. Dive into an ocean of fun and let the Classic’s classic be your guide . . .
Sailor’s destination: Spain. Is it just me or do the people up there seem to think exotic locations make the best movies these days? Well, in this case, it turns out they were right – almost.
Almost? Sadly, almost. Setting off on an adrenaline spiral, POTC 4 (i prefer quicker digestion) kicks nicely in the gut in form-fitting fashion suited only to Jack Sparrow. There is something odd about that last sentence, can you tell?
I’m thinking that ‘they’ were thinking humour, humour, humour and more humour. For a brief moment, I had a sneaky feeling this movie would end up with Jack Sparrow taking off his face mask to reveal Adam Sandler. And I’d go home having new respect for the word ‘Punk’d’. It was that hysterical. I still chuckle in recollection. Ironically, though, that’s really all the movie served up – one classic comical moment after another.
Adventure, ahoy! There’s Jack Sparrow – and then there’s Captain Jack Sparrow (ah, so that’s what was odd about that statement!). One is a man, and the other is – well, a villain. One has valour, the other drinker’s luck. One is in love, the other – well, what say ye? One is – alas, the other. The merger of characters, perhaps the only thing I found really impressive in this movie, was executed to perfection. We see that in spite of all the braggadocio of our ‘adorable’ pirate, all it takes is the wind of vulnerability (referred to as love in more poetic circles) to blow his hat off. Perhaps not. Latina bombshell, Penelope Cruz (and I’ll agree with you if you’re inclined to disagree) puts on an audaciously intriguingly deliciously impressive performance (that was fun) as . . . you’d never guess (putting my money where my mouth is), and of course I’d never tell . . .
Our one and only heroine certainly deserves to be nominated for – well, something – as she leads our heroic villain or villainous hero (depending on what you were brought up to believe about Robin Hood) on a romantic voyage on a quest to find the Fountain of Youth, to save her atrocious father (again, you’d never guess, so my money rests safely in my big mouth) of whom it has been foretold, death by vengeance, awaits. Delighted to have her on board? Much! However bodacious our lovely might be, tis totally wanting of the nature of a true gentleman, be he a pirate or less, to be letting such as a damsel in distress sail alone on so formidable a venture, and that be saying the littlest! All hands must be on deck, and so we encore with joyful foreboding, our beloved crew, Black Pearl’s finest, Blackbeard, Barbossa et al. . . . You may now officially un-know everything you thought you knew about Pirates. Be not dismayed, if’n it does not come to you, mate, for it shall come to you!
Vampires and mermaids and clergymen, oh my! Make room for your new shipmates. I did say this ship was full of surprises, didn’t i? Oh, well, must have slipped my mind. Don’t let the thrills – and it’s rife with them – suck you in. “Cling to your souls, mates, for the mermaids be known to take what’s left –all of it!” I say no more, for fear I’ll be accused of piracy.
All things in place, this was one fail-safe plan. Plan being, if all else failed at least there was the guarantee that sides-splitting-doubled-over would be the new walk for a time to come. The plot sadly was lagging a tad behind in delivery. Desperately trying to catch up with comedy and action, which were almost toe-to-toe in this one, the plot was swaying to every tide and seemed to drown at some point, only to come up for air at the dying minute. Unfortunately, seeing as there was no lifeboat in sight, it sank right back down. And then resurfaced. And then sank . . . and then resurfaced. Perhaps you catch my drift – no pun intended – perhaps not. One might be too preoccupied with the enjoyment of it all to notice the flaws, I dare say.
I put this one as an adventurous adventure. In other words, while there was a lot of everything, as this was one very ambitious movie (for they were really eager to please, it seems) – it stopped short of being a shipwreck. I’ll sum it all up as one simple movie with the complexities of adrenaline-filled adventure, suspense and the sway of humour to keep you steadfast and sure, more so when the compass was pointing in the direction of lost tide. This movie comes to rest gracefully ashore, anchored on the satisfaction of our pleasure – they knew they’d win us over, either ways. And in spite of it all, they were right. Pleased, I was. This was such fun. But. F is for Four as F is for Final. If they tried it again, they’d get caught. Piracy is punishable by law . . .
Popcorn: And the secret to remaining eternally young is . . .
So . . .Scene or Sin? Scene, ahoy! I’ll let my anchor hold at 4.3 out of 5. I couldn’t steer past that if I tried. And believe me, I did. Of course, you have every right to choose a different mooring place. After all, I wasn’t sipping on any such thing as a strawberry-milk-egg-yolk-grated-cheese mixture.
Go see for yourself . . .
