Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Genre:  Action/Adventure/Fantasy

Starring:         Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean prequels)

                        Penelope Cruz (Vicky Christina Barcelona)

                        Ian McShane (Kung Fu Panda)

Geoffrey Rush (Pirates of the Caribbean prequels)

Sipping on a random mixture of egg yolk, milk, grated cheese and strawberry milk, I can’t help but think there’s only one way not to get things ‘mixed up’ in penning this review, so I temporarily cast aside my 7-year old crush on Johnny Depp, and of course unclip my Fan Numero Uno Badge, which I have been wearing proudly since I could spell Dark and Mysterious.

There are some things unofficially less stomach-churning than two hours in front of a bad movie. . . Thankfully, Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, besides being a little too long to swallow, is anything but. Dive into an ocean of fun and let the Classic’s classic be your guide . . .

Sailor’s destination: Spain. Is it just me or do the people up there seem to think exotic locations make the best movies these days? Well, in this case, it turns out they were right – almost.

Almost? Sadly, almost. Setting off on an adrenaline spiral, POTC 4 (i prefer quicker digestion) kicks nicely in the gut in form-fitting fashion suited only to Jack Sparrow. There is something odd about that last sentence, can you tell?

I’m thinking that ‘they’ were thinking humour, humour, humour and more humour. For a brief moment, I had a sneaky feeling this movie would end up with Jack Sparrow taking off his face mask to reveal Adam Sandler. And I’d go home having new respect for the word ‘Punk’d’. It was that hysterical. I still chuckle in recollection. Ironically, though, that’s really all the movie served up – one classic comical moment after another.

Adventure, ahoy! There’s Jack Sparrow – and then there’s Captain Jack Sparrow (ah, so that’s what was odd about that statement!). One is a man, and the other is – well, a villain. One has valour, the other drinker’s luck. One is in love, the other – well, what say ye? One is – alas, the other. The merger of characters, perhaps the only thing I found really impressive in this movie, was executed to perfection. We see that in spite of all the braggadocio of our ‘adorable’ pirate, all it takes is the wind of vulnerability (referred to as love in more poetic circles) to blow his hat off. Perhaps not. Latina bombshell, Penelope Cruz (and I’ll agree with you if you’re inclined to disagree) puts on an  audaciously intriguingly deliciously impressive performance (that was fun) as  . . . you’d never guess (putting my money where my mouth is), and of course I’d never tell . . .

Our one and only heroine certainly deserves to be nominated for – well, something – as she leads our heroic villain or villainous hero (depending on what you were brought up to believe about Robin Hood) on a romantic voyage on a quest to find the Fountain of Youth, to save her atrocious father (again, you’d never guess, so my money rests safely in my big mouth) of whom it has been foretold, death by vengeance, awaits. Delighted to have her on board? Much! However bodacious our lovely might be, tis totally wanting of the nature of a true gentleman, be he a pirate or less, to be letting such as a damsel in distress sail alone on so formidable a venture, and that be saying the littlest! All hands must be on deck, and so we encore with joyful foreboding, our beloved crew, Black Pearl’s finest, Blackbeard, Barbossa et al. . . . You may now officially un-know everything you thought you knew about Pirates. Be not dismayed, if’n it does not come to you, mate, for it shall come to you!

Vampires and mermaids and clergymen, oh my! Make room for your new shipmates. I did say this ship was full of surprises, didn’t i? Oh, well, must have slipped my mind. Don’t let the thrills – and it’s rife with them – suck you in. “Cling to your souls, mates, for the mermaids be known to take what’s left –all of it!” I say no more, for fear I’ll be accused of piracy.

All things in place, this was one fail-safe plan. Plan being, if all else failed at least there was the guarantee that sides-splitting-doubled-over would be the new walk for a time to come. The plot sadly was lagging a tad behind in delivery. Desperately trying to catch up with comedy and action, which were almost toe-to-toe in this one, the plot was swaying to every tide and seemed to drown at some point, only to come up for air at the dying minute. Unfortunately, seeing as there was no lifeboat in sight, it sank right back down. And then resurfaced. And then sank  . . . and then resurfaced. Perhaps you catch my drift – no pun intended – perhaps not.  One might be too preoccupied with the enjoyment of it all to notice the flaws, I dare say.

I put this one as an adventurous adventure. In other words, while there was a lot of everything, as this was one very ambitious movie (for they were really eager to please, it seems) – it stopped short of being a shipwreck. I’ll sum it all up as one simple movie with the complexities of adrenaline-filled adventure, suspense and the sway of humour to keep you steadfast and sure, more so when the compass was pointing in the direction of lost tide. This movie comes to rest gracefully ashore, anchored on the satisfaction of our pleasure – they knew they’d win us over, either ways. And in spite of it all, they were right. Pleased, I was. This was such fun. But. F is for Four as F is for Final. If they tried it again, they’d get caught. Piracy is punishable by law . . .

Popcorn:  And the secret to remaining eternally young is  . . .

So . . .Scene or Sin? Scene, ahoy! I’ll let my anchor hold at 4.3 out of 5. I couldn’t steer past that if I tried. And believe me, I did. Of course, you have every right to choose a different mooring place. After all, I wasn’t sipping on any such thing as a strawberry-milk-egg-yolk-grated-cheese mixture.

Go see for yourself . . .

Thor (3D – not that it matters)

Genre: Action/Adventure

Starring:                     Chris Hemsworth (. . .  Thor)

Natalie Portman (Star Wars 1 – Phantom of the Menace)

Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal)

Ladies and gentlemen . . . 
Please put on your 3D glasses . . .
It’s time to ‘Thor’!

'You know not what your actions will unleash'.

Based on the above quote, I do have a confession:  I was bone-wearily sceptical about this one . . . Well, you would be if you'd reserved/bypassed all your 3D moments just to have the experience of a lifetime that turned out to be a lifetime resolution to never self-punish with dark glasses in a dark room full of strangers. No need to swot, there's a word for it I believe - Tron Legacy. Or two. Bad 3D, Bad! Beg to differ, anyone?! 

So the basic story is - and if you're familiar with Bible stories - you might wanna skip the next 2 lines. If not, here’s a one-sentence summary:

Sonofking-weshallcallhimThor-defiesfatherandasksforshareofwealthandwandersofftopartiesinexoticdestinationsandfashionshowsandyatchclubsandBrazilianwomen,losesallhehasandcomeshomesobertodaddytokiss-assdforforgiveness,whichhnaturallydaddygrantshimbeingdaddycompassionateandallandrestoreshisplaceasfamilyheirandtheyalllivehappilyeverafter.

Er . . . Not exactly. *pausingtocatchbreath* Forgive me, but I did say one sentence.

Amongst other things, this is one movie that takes prodigality to a whole new level! It's sexier, edgier, much more arrogant, and - label me Sadist after this, but - this time, there is no forgiveness. 

And just so you know, Father, the Other Son has feelings, too . . .

I say no more . . . Whatever it does, this one doesn't bore. Talk about a joy ride on a  . . . well, wherever you get your joy rides . . .  It’s romance and humour and action and drama and the-hot-body-of-Chris-Hemsworth-a.k.a–Thor rolled into one. You want for nothing, but you’re left asking for more. More, Thor, More!

Theme:  Don’t wield the sword if you don’t know how to sheath. In other words, we learn what happens when we do the right thing for the wrong reason.

Popcorn:  You might wanna see this one on a Thor's Day ... if you catch my drift.

So . . . Scene or Sin?  For all the right flavours in all the right places, Scene! Again and again and again. Anything less would be a Sin. This one gets a big, fat 4.5 out of my 5.

p.s. why would you take me seriously? Go see for yourself . . .

Source Code

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller

Starring:                     Jake Gyllenhaal (Prince of Persia) (swoon time for some)

Michelle Monaghan (Due Date)

Vera Farmiger (Up In the Air)

No matter how much we like ‘em, I'll say this: ANOTHER self-discovery-by-sim/avatar  movie . . . ?

Not bad, not bad, all things considered – all things as exemplified by uh, wearing 12-foot-long bodysuits replete with long ponytails and pointy ears (we are spared), and building castles in the air (for the Fantasist) or building skyscrapers upon skyscrapers in dreams (for the Realist).  Nope, not this time. And please don’t make me choose.

Certainly no getting-lost-in-the-dark-and-struggling-to-grope-our-way-out in this one, as is the trend with supposedly good movies these days – I don’t know where they get that idea from (I didn’t mention that this is One Good Movie, did I?). Certainly no subconscious-craning-of-the-neck-to-catch-every-word-hopefully-to-‘ah-i-get-it’-but-failing, and then finally going with plan B: ‘what the heck, I'll see it again’.

Let's just say there are more important issues to consider. Like?
Like . . . If you had 8 minutes -and only 8 – to correct a mistake you’d made in the past, what would that be? Food For Thought!

Pondering what I'm pondering? Well, you can stop stroking that beard and summing up all your iniquities . . . There's a 2nd chance . . . and a 3rd and a 4th and a 5th and a . . . you catch my drift. Although they do say, infamously, that doing the same thing once is alright, but doing the same thing over and over and over again . . . and well, you’re not far from The House of Blue Coveralls – I believe they call it an ‘Insaniquarium’ these days.

Lucky for all concerned, Colter Stevens doesn't listen, especially to good advice, so I'll rephrase: do the same thing over and over again...and you catch a bomber/terrorist.
But, don't be so quick to dismiss this one. There is that element of ‘twist up a twist’ which I did find particularly attractive . . .

You've probably figured the end from the beginning like I did– well, here's where your prowess may fail you. Just when you start thinking you know where this is going and stifle a false yawn (because you are enjoying the movie, nonetheless), you’re marvellously jerked back into a wait-hold-on-this-isn’t-going-according-to-expectation position. Same way I wasn’t expecting the ugly guttural sound emanating from the 250lbs-er sitting right next to me . . . Who on earth snores in the middle of a really good movie? Who? Talk about 'jerks', eh?

As I was saying, this one won't have you itching on the edge of your seat whole time. It will just ensure your attention span does not dissipate for longer than 8 minutes at a stretch – ok, maybe 3 1/2. Not unless you’re a 250lbs-er - (fine, I’ll let it slide).

So, there you have it. If it was all so easy to go back in time and correct all mistakes made, I certainly wouldn't be sitting where I was sitting. Where, I shouldn't have been sitting to begin with, except some smart-ass hunks took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong movie hall, and consequently, in my seat. If I hadn't asked for my seat back, they might have lost 15 minutes of their movie time (don’t call me Heroine just yet). Then again, if I hadn't asked for my seat back.... (Somebody get me a fat boy stick).

My point is, you might get the chance to undo a damage, but not without leaving something in its wake. How much are you willing to stake? Selah!

Theme:   Once again we learn the value of life, love, and other disasters.

Popcorn:   What would you do if you had less than 8 minutes to live?
I'd quit blogging and go get me some ice cream . . .

So . . . Scene or Sin? Scene! Oh yes, please. 3.99 Scenes out of 5. How else would you take me seriously?

Then again, why would you take me seriously? Go see for yourself . . . 

Animal United

Genre: Animation

Starring the Voices of:         Jim Broadbent (Harry Potter & the Half-blood Prince)

James Corden (Gavin & Stacey)

Billy Beach ( … Animal United)

This one I walked right into. With all the excitement of a 3-year old that got Santa for Christmas, I took bad instincts to a movie hall in expectation of one grand animation. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I highly disappointed? No. Let’s just say my instincts have lost their animal. Yeah, let’s just say that.

For which I have managed to come up with a take-home quote:

If a movie ‘don’t’  catch your attention in the first 5 minutes, ditch it . . .

If an animation ‘don’t’ in the first 2.5 minutes, RUN!

Hey, slow up, tiger . . .
I'm not asking you to take my own advice . . .

Well, you could  . . . if the last time you went to the gym (you really don’t need to recall) you saw something that looked like a lion but you weren’t quite sure, doing 12km/hour on the treadmill, embarrassing your daily unmentionable average? Or, if you walked into your salon for the you know, regular Saturday hair-and-gossip session, and found an elephant, fresh out of a blonde job by the way, sitting in your favourite chair, getting a haircut from - a Meercat . . . My guess is you’re not going anywhere. Plus don’t you want to hear about the Mafia in the Animal Kingdom?

Well, then, here's how it works . . . Or how about a quick trivia, to start with:

What do you get when you cross a vegan Lion, a giraffe who put the G in Diva, a Meercat (I presume you’ve met), an educated Monkey, a cocky Cockerel, and a white Polar Bear (nothing fancy, except location: Middle of a Forest)?
Answer: They call it Animal United for a reason.

And united they were. Ok, people, seriously, isn’t it about time we stopped and thought about the things we were doing to the things we thought didn’t matter just for the things we thought mattered? Don’t read that again. Just think: Sex Education! (I’m quite the Charmer, aren’t I?)

Rephrase: think sex education and how difficult it was – or is (you’d be surprised) for your parents to give ‘the talk’. Well, put that in retrospect and sub sex education for global warming and its hazardous effects on the planet. Too much talk? Let's make this easy . . . 

In their words, we are endangering our species, endangering our planet and well, hello, endangering our lives, as well. It’s a nasty chain reaction, we have started to do the damage, we have started trying to repair the damage, but there are those of us out there who either don’t know the extent of the damage we have done and are doing, or don’t care, or like Humpty Dumpty prefer the view from the fence (you do recall the rest being history, right?)

At the risk of sounding like an activist, here’s a snider:

If you'd rather hang a tusk than a Raphael on your wall, this one's for you. If in your opinion, fur looks better on two shoulders than on four legs, well . . . this one’s for you, too, my pretty. If you think some parts of Mother Earth look better in 3D as homes to 5-star exotic holiday locations than natural wildlife habitat, or you really don’t know why all those wild animals exist are let loose to begin with, the general idea is that (repeat after me) this one is equally for you! And if you’re an animal activist, again, this one you’d like! In the end, it's an animal rampage. Give ‘em back their food and their water, else . . .  fear not, they don't exactly take over the world. Mercifully. This movie is not that corny!

Expect no real thrills, though. A couple of belly laughs here and there. But that’s about it. Then again, it’s a good excuse for an education you most likely didn’t get in school with all your finesse, and you don’t have to sit in a boring Science class to get it. Perks? Almost. In advance, though, I do beg your pardon on the corny sound tracks. I will certainly let Disney off after this one. Give me their over-bearing music over the under-bearing do-we-really-have-to-make-music-for-this-movie tracks on offer!

So. . . Scene or Sin? It falls somewhere down the line and all things considered, not the least of which is the thousand and ten animations that outdid themselves to outdo themselves. I think Animators want to take a sort of back seat this year. Then again, we are looking forward to a couple of hard hits, aren’t we?  Collateral damage: make it a 2.5 out of 5.

Popcorn: Just before you toss that can of beer over your shoulder, think again . . .

Or better yet, why would you take me seriously? Go see for yourself . . .